There are always so many things left unsaid and thoughts that are left open for interpretation. Here are some of mine and maybe what Cuddy might have been thinking. It is a sequel from House's Silent Thoughts From "Help Me" I hope you enjoy.
As Dr. Cuddy answered the phone that morning there was a frantic voice on the other end describing a catastrophic event in Trenton. A crane collapsed onto a building and every unit they could get to the site was needed.
"Dr. Cuddy can you dispatch a team of doctors to the site to help?"
"I will get a team together and we will be there shortly."
“She opened up her desk drawer and put a ring inside there.” “She held it in her hand and looked at it for a moment.” “Lucas had proposed and she had said yes.” “It seemed like the next logical step.” “Wasn't it?”
I called House’s office and House had not yet arrived. Dr. Foreman answered the phone.
I told him there has been an accident in Trenton. A crane collapsed onto a building. I asked if House was there?
Dr. foreman had not seen him yet. I requested that he meet me in the ER and we would dispatch to the site. I also asked him to keep trying House.
House pushed my door open with his cane.
"Crane collapsed in downtown Trenton and we have to get a team there House" I said.
Don’t care.
"He handed me a book that he had for years and it gave it to me as a house-warming present." My great grandfather wrote it. So he is trying to accept the relationship with Lucas and move on I guess.
“Seriously you are giving this book to us", I asked him? Did I say that out loud?
It is the grown-up thing to do he replied.
Why couldn't you have decided to grow up a long time ok?
As we arrive at the site of the accident I look around at all the people and wonder how many lives we will lose. All these people and they are still trying to find 25 that are unaccounted for.
House heard someone beating on a water pipe and was trying to get somebody down here.
As the workers responded they came over to search they didn't hear anything.
You heard something. I know that if you think you did you probably did. How many times are you ever wrong?
As I stare at you knowing I have to get back to work I wonder what we would have........ I have spent this entire year building a life with Lucas and trying to forget you. Trying somehow to move on from spending most of my time trying to keep you from killing your patient, killing yourself, keeping lawsuits to a minimum, stopping chairmen of the board from firing you and angry detectives from putting you into jail.
I hear them call me name telling me I was needed. I hear them calling me but I can't get you out of my head.
Where are you House? As I am looking around and then I see you emerge from the hole. You have dust all over you. You found someone. You are so stubborn when you think you are right. And you always think you are right. Please be careful.
As you approach me and keep hinting around about Lucas and me I don't know how to tell you.
Cuddy I am sorry if the present made it wierd for you. Maybe you and Lucas are ..... I stopped you
House I am getting married. That's all.
As I search your face I see the shock but you would never let me in. I had to move on. I wanted someone that would be a partner. But I haven't moved on.
I see you leaving. You can't leave because Hannah needs you.
House you can’t leave. Hannah is threatening to pull out IV’s and you are the only one she wants.
I have got to get to the hospital because the crane operator needs me too and he moans louder than you Cuddy.
Hannah needs you and you have to stay with her. She won’t let anyone touch her beside you.
As you cut the bike off and head back I am still a little surprised that you are going back in that hole with her.
I heard an awful noise from below where Hannah is located. As I rush over they tell me the building had a secondary collapse. Are you ok? I sent you back in there. If you get hurt it is my fault. Again. Your leg is my fault. I did the surgery knowing you didn't want it. All the pain and your addiction is my fault.
As I see you emerge you are bleeding but you are walking. I release the breath I have been holding.
As I look at the wound I know I shouldn't open my mouth but that has never stopped me before.
You were lucky this wasn’t worse House.
You know the people who were luckier the ones that weren’t here.
I know you hate being here House.
Dr. Cuddy we can’t wait any longer about getting the patient out. We have to cut her leg off.
"There are things we can still do Cuddy." You are not cutting her leg off.
House why are you doing this? Why are you being so stubborn?
Will you excuse us captain, I asked?
”I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me House.
~House: Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about you now.
~Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
~House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
~Cuddy: I don't love you. So just... accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
~House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a man-child.
~Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him)
~House: (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
~Cuddy: (turning around and coming back toward him) What are you clinging to, House? You're going to risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. ... You've got nothing, House, nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm going to convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll stay out of it.
Hannah you have got to listen to me. This is so hard for me too. I don't want to cut your leg off but there is no other way to get you out of here alive.
No House!! Go back up there. I know you are still angry that I am getting married. I had no choice. After Stacy left you shut yourself off from the world. You shut yourself off from me. I waited so long for you to come around. Why?.........
I have to get my mind on Hannah. I cannot keep thinking or wishing you and I..........
Hannah we have run out of time. You have got to let me…
“No. “
And then I heard you say it.
Hannah we have got to amputate the leg.
"You said"..
I know and we have run out of time Hannah. You ask me what happened to my leg. There was a dangerous surgery and the doctors warned me against it and how dangerous it was.
"But you have your leg."
No Hannah, I have a mutilated thing.
It made me a harder person. A worse person. I am alone and I am in pain every day. You don’t want to be like me Hannah.
What? I am listening to you but am I hearing you? You made a mistake about your leg?
You always felt alone. You pushed everyone away. The harder they tried to help the harder you pushed. You hurt everyone that tries to be close to you. I wanted to be ……… I never wanted to leave you al……………… All the times I wanted you and I needed you. All the times you wanted me. All the words left unsaid.
“I got this Cuddy.”
As I looked in your eyes I saw the hero I always knew you could be. I see a man that had been hurt but in some ways had come to terms with realizing it had been a choice that you made to be alone. You didn't have to be. I can't remember a time that I didn't love you or wanted to feel your arms around me or your lips sweeping across mine. Maybe I still do.
Hannah’s screams pierced through any barrier I tried to put around myself. I remember your screams and thinking of all the pain you were in. The rehab and how every day you grew more and more angry. I am sorry I was so hard on you earlier. It was cruel and I am not sure if I wanted to hurt you or if I wanted you to take me in your arms and ask me not to do it. “You told me friends was the last thing you wanted to be, “but can I trust you?”
Why am I still thinking about you, about this?
Oh Hannah. Those screams. Here she comes through the hole. You did it House and she looks ok. There is her husband and he looks thankful that she is alive. You are going to ride with her. As you look at me I see loss in your eyes and pain. You look so tired and so broken. It had been a long night. I had felt so much anger, frustration and pain, but why do I feel all this? I am moving on with my life. I am getting married. Lucas is the best choice. He will be there every day and he loves Rachel. You could never be that guy.
(One Hour Later)
I need to call the hospital to see if they checked your shoulder. Foreman this is Dr. Cuddy I am finishing up here and I was wondering did you get the wound on Dr. House cleaned up?
“No Hannah died and House wouldn't stop. I have never seen like him that. I tried to talk to him but I couldn’t get through. He was…..
"Defeated” We both said the word at the same time. I hung the phone up and knew I needed to get to you. Are you ok? I can’t imagine what it was like for you to watch Hannah take her last breath. You had spent a lifetime keeping everyone at arm’s length distance and now that you were trying to let people in they were all leaving you. I had spent almost a year keeping my heart locked away from you. House hold on. Just hold on.
As I arrived home I dreaded the next thing I had to do but I knew I had to. I had called ahead to Marina to see if she could stay with Rachel and to find out if Lucas was there. He was.
Lisa I was worried about you. I saw the news reports. What’s wrong?
“Lucas” I can’t do this. I am so sorry but I can’t go any further without seeing what is between me and House. I have been so afraid to trust him and so angry at him for hurting me so much and I tried to move on but looking into his eyes tonight and seeing him broken I could hardly bare it. I am so sorry for hurting you. He looked so defeated and when I called they told me his patient didn’t make it. I have spent a year pushing him away and trying to build a life outside of him. But I can’t leave him alone tonight. I have to go to him.
“He will hurt you again Lisa.”
“Maybe he will.”
House is not capable of love. When he got drunk that night and told me he loved you I knew he couldn’t be the man you needed. He had plenty of opportunities and now it was my turn.
“What”, when did he tell you that?
Thanksgiving night. He was drunk and waiting at my place for me.
I have to go Lucas. I have to go to him. I am so sorry.
Lisa!!!
I am sorry Lucas. I could say so many things but it won’t change anything. I can't get him out of my head or my heart.
As I crank the car there’s that song again:
“Tears come streaming down your face when you lose something that you can’t replace. When you love someone and it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. When you are too in love to let it go. If you never try you will never know. Just what you’re worth. Lights will guide you home. I will try to fix you.”
I pull beside your bike and as I walk in the door I wonder why you have left it open. I am shaking inside because I wonder how you are going to respond. Will you retreat as you have always done when we get close? It doesn’t matter because I have to know once and for all if this can work. As I approach I see you on the floor. What is in your hand? Pill bottles. House don’t do that.
H – Are you going to leap across the room and take them out of my hand?
I wanted to take them from you. But I am not here as your savior tonight I am here because I love you. I want you, no I need you to rescue me tonight.
C – It’s your choice if you want take drugs.
H – Did Foreman send you?
C – No
H – Are you here to yell at me again?
C – No
H – I am running out of ideas.
C – Lucas
H – You are here to tell me that you are already pregnant or you had a quickie wedding in Vegas.
C – I ended it.
H – What?
C – I am stuck House. I tried to move on. I’m in my new house with my new fiancée and all I can think about is you.
H – Do you think I can fix myself?
C – I don’t know.
H – Cause I am the most screwed up person in the world.
C – I know. I love you. I wish I didn’t but I can’t help it.
It gets stuck in my throat as I say it to you. I have felt it most of the last 20 years. I have felt other things too.
You extend your hand out to me and I am scared but I hold mine out to you and help you up. You come closer and tower of me I can hardly get a breath. I anticipate your touch and as your lips brush across mine I could melt right into you. Just the touch of your hand is almost more than I can handle. My heart feels like it will beat out of my chesst. I have longed for you to touch me, hold me, and make love to to me.
This love was over 20 years in the making and now there is a feeling that neither one of us could sum up in words.
As I slowly led you into the bedroom I wanted you to hold me and let me in your heart. Let me into that secret place that no person had ever been.
I have got to check your shoulder.
Let me see the cut. It looks bad and it looks like it is going to get infected. I need to clean it. As I get the bucket of water and washcloth ready to clean you up a little you look as if you can’t believe we are here. As I help you get undressed you are looking at me as if you were seeing me for the first time and you seem hesitant when I undo your pants. You look at me like you wondering still if I am really here.
I am real. I am here. My desire to be with you becoming stronger every second that I am near you and overcoming any fear that I may have.
I have dreamed of your lips and your hands all over every part of me. I’ve wanted you for so long and we are here at that moment. As we stand with our fingers interlocked the feeling is almost overwhelming. I want you so much. As you kiss my lips they part and you brush your lips across mine over and over all my senses are awakened. When you look into my eyes the need for you inside me is becoming stronger.
As I reach the button onyour pants you still feel hesitation but my need for you is too great to back up now. You sheepishly look down at me as I reach the scar but the silence that has been between us can no longer stand in the way of what we have wanted for years. I love every part of you. I want every part of you. As you look down into my eyes I watched the power of my words remove the fear that had been in yours. All that I could see now was your desire for me and I could feel passion raging in my soul. We forgive each other.
As I put my hand in yours you lift me to my feet.
"Undress me".
You drop your hands to both sides of my waist as you begin to raise the hem of my shirt. Those soft lips brushing mine and as you deepen the kiss I feel you open youself to me. You pull me to you and gather me in your arms and the feel of your skin against mine feels so good. As I wrap my arms around you I just want to give myself to you. My body interwined with yours and the feel of you inside me; our restless hearts have finally found a home.
As Dr. Cuddy answered the phone that morning there was a frantic voice on the other end describing a catastrophic event in Trenton. A crane collapsed onto a building and every unit they could get to the site was needed.
"Dr. Cuddy can you dispatch a team of doctors to the site to help?"
"I will get a team together and we will be there shortly."
“She opened up her desk drawer and put a ring inside there.” “She held it in her hand and looked at it for a moment.” “Lucas had proposed and she had said yes.” “It seemed like the next logical step.” “Wasn't it?”
I called House’s office and House had not yet arrived. Dr. Foreman answered the phone.
I told him there has been an accident in Trenton. A crane collapsed onto a building. I asked if House was there?
Dr. foreman had not seen him yet. I requested that he meet me in the ER and we would dispatch to the site. I also asked him to keep trying House.
House pushed my door open with his cane.
"Crane collapsed in downtown Trenton and we have to get a team there House" I said.
Don’t care.
"He handed me a book that he had for years and it gave it to me as a house-warming present." My great grandfather wrote it. So he is trying to accept the relationship with Lucas and move on I guess.
“Seriously you are giving this book to us", I asked him? Did I say that out loud?
It is the grown-up thing to do he replied.
Why couldn't you have decided to grow up a long time ok?
As we arrive at the site of the accident I look around at all the people and wonder how many lives we will lose. All these people and they are still trying to find 25 that are unaccounted for.
House heard someone beating on a water pipe and was trying to get somebody down here.
As the workers responded they came over to search they didn't hear anything.
You heard something. I know that if you think you did you probably did. How many times are you ever wrong?
As I stare at you knowing I have to get back to work I wonder what we would have........ I have spent this entire year building a life with Lucas and trying to forget you. Trying somehow to move on from spending most of my time trying to keep you from killing your patient, killing yourself, keeping lawsuits to a minimum, stopping chairmen of the board from firing you and angry detectives from putting you into jail.
I hear them call me name telling me I was needed. I hear them calling me but I can't get you out of my head.
Where are you House? As I am looking around and then I see you emerge from the hole. You have dust all over you. You found someone. You are so stubborn when you think you are right. And you always think you are right. Please be careful.
As you approach me and keep hinting around about Lucas and me I don't know how to tell you.
Cuddy I am sorry if the present made it wierd for you. Maybe you and Lucas are ..... I stopped you
House I am getting married. That's all.
As I search your face I see the shock but you would never let me in. I had to move on. I wanted someone that would be a partner. But I haven't moved on.
I see you leaving. You can't leave because Hannah needs you.
House you can’t leave. Hannah is threatening to pull out IV’s and you are the only one she wants.
I have got to get to the hospital because the crane operator needs me too and he moans louder than you Cuddy.
Hannah needs you and you have to stay with her. She won’t let anyone touch her beside you.
As you cut the bike off and head back I am still a little surprised that you are going back in that hole with her.
I heard an awful noise from below where Hannah is located. As I rush over they tell me the building had a secondary collapse. Are you ok? I sent you back in there. If you get hurt it is my fault. Again. Your leg is my fault. I did the surgery knowing you didn't want it. All the pain and your addiction is my fault.
As I see you emerge you are bleeding but you are walking. I release the breath I have been holding.
As I look at the wound I know I shouldn't open my mouth but that has never stopped me before.
You were lucky this wasn’t worse House.
You know the people who were luckier the ones that weren’t here.
I know you hate being here House.
Dr. Cuddy we can’t wait any longer about getting the patient out. We have to cut her leg off.
"There are things we can still do Cuddy." You are not cutting her leg off.
House why are you doing this? Why are you being so stubborn?
Will you excuse us captain, I asked?
”I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me House.
~House: Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about you now.
~Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
~House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
~Cuddy: I don't love you. So just... accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
~House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a man-child.
~Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him)
~House: (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
~Cuddy: (turning around and coming back toward him) What are you clinging to, House? You're going to risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. ... You've got nothing, House, nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm going to convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll stay out of it.
Hannah you have got to listen to me. This is so hard for me too. I don't want to cut your leg off but there is no other way to get you out of here alive.
No House!! Go back up there. I know you are still angry that I am getting married. I had no choice. After Stacy left you shut yourself off from the world. You shut yourself off from me. I waited so long for you to come around. Why?.........
I have to get my mind on Hannah. I cannot keep thinking or wishing you and I..........
Hannah we have run out of time. You have got to let me…
“No. “
And then I heard you say it.
Hannah we have got to amputate the leg.
"You said"..
I know and we have run out of time Hannah. You ask me what happened to my leg. There was a dangerous surgery and the doctors warned me against it and how dangerous it was.
"But you have your leg."
No Hannah, I have a mutilated thing.
It made me a harder person. A worse person. I am alone and I am in pain every day. You don’t want to be like me Hannah.
What? I am listening to you but am I hearing you? You made a mistake about your leg?
You always felt alone. You pushed everyone away. The harder they tried to help the harder you pushed. You hurt everyone that tries to be close to you. I wanted to be ……… I never wanted to leave you al……………… All the times I wanted you and I needed you. All the times you wanted me. All the words left unsaid.
“I got this Cuddy.”
As I looked in your eyes I saw the hero I always knew you could be. I see a man that had been hurt but in some ways had come to terms with realizing it had been a choice that you made to be alone. You didn't have to be. I can't remember a time that I didn't love you or wanted to feel your arms around me or your lips sweeping across mine. Maybe I still do.
Hannah’s screams pierced through any barrier I tried to put around myself. I remember your screams and thinking of all the pain you were in. The rehab and how every day you grew more and more angry. I am sorry I was so hard on you earlier. It was cruel and I am not sure if I wanted to hurt you or if I wanted you to take me in your arms and ask me not to do it. “You told me friends was the last thing you wanted to be, “but can I trust you?”
Why am I still thinking about you, about this?
Oh Hannah. Those screams. Here she comes through the hole. You did it House and she looks ok. There is her husband and he looks thankful that she is alive. You are going to ride with her. As you look at me I see loss in your eyes and pain. You look so tired and so broken. It had been a long night. I had felt so much anger, frustration and pain, but why do I feel all this? I am moving on with my life. I am getting married. Lucas is the best choice. He will be there every day and he loves Rachel. You could never be that guy.
(One Hour Later)
I need to call the hospital to see if they checked your shoulder. Foreman this is Dr. Cuddy I am finishing up here and I was wondering did you get the wound on Dr. House cleaned up?
“No Hannah died and House wouldn't stop. I have never seen like him that. I tried to talk to him but I couldn’t get through. He was…..
"Defeated” We both said the word at the same time. I hung the phone up and knew I needed to get to you. Are you ok? I can’t imagine what it was like for you to watch Hannah take her last breath. You had spent a lifetime keeping everyone at arm’s length distance and now that you were trying to let people in they were all leaving you. I had spent almost a year keeping my heart locked away from you. House hold on. Just hold on.
As I arrived home I dreaded the next thing I had to do but I knew I had to. I had called ahead to Marina to see if she could stay with Rachel and to find out if Lucas was there. He was.
Lisa I was worried about you. I saw the news reports. What’s wrong?
“Lucas” I can’t do this. I am so sorry but I can’t go any further without seeing what is between me and House. I have been so afraid to trust him and so angry at him for hurting me so much and I tried to move on but looking into his eyes tonight and seeing him broken I could hardly bare it. I am so sorry for hurting you. He looked so defeated and when I called they told me his patient didn’t make it. I have spent a year pushing him away and trying to build a life outside of him. But I can’t leave him alone tonight. I have to go to him.
“He will hurt you again Lisa.”
“Maybe he will.”
House is not capable of love. When he got drunk that night and told me he loved you I knew he couldn’t be the man you needed. He had plenty of opportunities and now it was my turn.
“What”, when did he tell you that?
Thanksgiving night. He was drunk and waiting at my place for me.
I have to go Lucas. I have to go to him. I am so sorry.
Lisa!!!
I am sorry Lucas. I could say so many things but it won’t change anything. I can't get him out of my head or my heart.
As I crank the car there’s that song again:
“Tears come streaming down your face when you lose something that you can’t replace. When you love someone and it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. When you are too in love to let it go. If you never try you will never know. Just what you’re worth. Lights will guide you home. I will try to fix you.”
I pull beside your bike and as I walk in the door I wonder why you have left it open. I am shaking inside because I wonder how you are going to respond. Will you retreat as you have always done when we get close? It doesn’t matter because I have to know once and for all if this can work. As I approach I see you on the floor. What is in your hand? Pill bottles. House don’t do that.
H – Are you going to leap across the room and take them out of my hand?
I wanted to take them from you. But I am not here as your savior tonight I am here because I love you. I want you, no I need you to rescue me tonight.
C – It’s your choice if you want take drugs.
H – Did Foreman send you?
C – No
H – Are you here to yell at me again?
C – No
H – I am running out of ideas.
C – Lucas
H – You are here to tell me that you are already pregnant or you had a quickie wedding in Vegas.
C – I ended it.
H – What?
C – I am stuck House. I tried to move on. I’m in my new house with my new fiancée and all I can think about is you.
H – Do you think I can fix myself?
C – I don’t know.
H – Cause I am the most screwed up person in the world.
C – I know. I love you. I wish I didn’t but I can’t help it.
It gets stuck in my throat as I say it to you. I have felt it most of the last 20 years. I have felt other things too.
You extend your hand out to me and I am scared but I hold mine out to you and help you up. You come closer and tower of me I can hardly get a breath. I anticipate your touch and as your lips brush across mine I could melt right into you. Just the touch of your hand is almost more than I can handle. My heart feels like it will beat out of my chesst. I have longed for you to touch me, hold me, and make love to to me.
This love was over 20 years in the making and now there is a feeling that neither one of us could sum up in words.
As I slowly led you into the bedroom I wanted you to hold me and let me in your heart. Let me into that secret place that no person had ever been.
I have got to check your shoulder.
Let me see the cut. It looks bad and it looks like it is going to get infected. I need to clean it. As I get the bucket of water and washcloth ready to clean you up a little you look as if you can’t believe we are here. As I help you get undressed you are looking at me as if you were seeing me for the first time and you seem hesitant when I undo your pants. You look at me like you wondering still if I am really here.
I am real. I am here. My desire to be with you becoming stronger every second that I am near you and overcoming any fear that I may have.
I have dreamed of your lips and your hands all over every part of me. I’ve wanted you for so long and we are here at that moment. As we stand with our fingers interlocked the feeling is almost overwhelming. I want you so much. As you kiss my lips they part and you brush your lips across mine over and over all my senses are awakened. When you look into my eyes the need for you inside me is becoming stronger.
As I reach the button onyour pants you still feel hesitation but my need for you is too great to back up now. You sheepishly look down at me as I reach the scar but the silence that has been between us can no longer stand in the way of what we have wanted for years. I love every part of you. I want every part of you. As you look down into my eyes I watched the power of my words remove the fear that had been in yours. All that I could see now was your desire for me and I could feel passion raging in my soul. We forgive each other.
As I put my hand in yours you lift me to my feet.
"Undress me".
You drop your hands to both sides of my waist as you begin to raise the hem of my shirt. Those soft lips brushing mine and as you deepen the kiss I feel you open youself to me. You pull me to you and gather me in your arms and the feel of your skin against mine feels so good. As I wrap my arms around you I just want to give myself to you. My body interwined with yours and the feel of you inside me; our restless hearts have finally found a home.